Once and Forever
by tekuates
Summary: A series of oneshots. Next chapter up: NightxCrow! Rated T just in case. WARNING:Slash and femslash inside. Don't like, don't read. R&R!
1. Not enough

I crouch in the bracken, waiting, until I see a familiar shape walk by.

"Leafpaw!" I call.

"Cody?" she mews. "What are you doing out here?"

I look down. I know I must do this, but it is so hard. "There's something I need to tell you."

She stares at me, her amber gaze burning into me. "What?"

There is no other way to say it. "I'm leaving. I'm going home." I flinch away from the shock and sadness in her eyes. It's like being burned, to hurt her. I force myself to continue.

"This is no life for me. I am happy with my housefolk, and they'll be missing me. I never meant to stay this long, but Birchkit needed me and I began to-"

"You began to enjoy the _freedom_," she interrupts.

"I guess I did," I mew. "But today-" I search for an excuse. "I saw how fragile that freedom is. You have to fight for _everything_—for food, even somewhere to shelter." I know that what I am about to say may destroy her respect for me, but I need to convince her that I really want to leave. "I like to know where I will be sleeping every night and that there will always be food when my belly grows empty. And I like my housefolk. Not all Twolegs are as bad as the ones destroying your home."

I can feel my heart breaking as I utter these words. They are true, but I would give it all up in a heartbeat for her. But I know that can never be.

"Would you like me to show you the way through the forest?" she mews. " Firestar promised you an escort."

It would be so easy to give in, to say yes, to spend a few more moments with her. But I can't. I can't.

I shake my head. "The woods seem quiet enough. There wont be any monsters about at night. Anyway, you need to rest for your journey." I pause. What else can I say? "Thank Firestar for me."

She presses her nose against my cheek, and I close my eyes, breathing her scent in for the last time. "I've said goodbye to Birchkit. Ferncloud is eating properly again, and he'll be fine with her." As if it matters anymore! I only helped Birchkit for her.

"Thank you for taking care of me when we were in the Twoleg nest. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too." More than you will ever know. "And I'll keep an eye out for Graystripe. If I see him, I'll tell him where you've gone." I give her a lick. "Bye, Leafpaw. Good luck."

I turn away, my heart aching, not wanting her to see how desperately I am trying to hold myself together.

Her voice echoes behind me. "Goodbye, Cody. You're a good friend."

I push myself blindly onward, stumbling into the shadows. _You're a good friend._ It's something.

But it's not enough.


	2. Maybe, someday

A/N: Okay, I just had to do a NightXCrow. It's a little angst-y, but I think it's pretty good. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I own no series, which makes me a sad squirrel.

I know how you all see me. The prickly, grumpy she-cat that no-one loves. Whose mate is only with her to prove that he is loyal to his Clan. Whose sole kit is loved by no-one.

These things are true on the surface, but not when you look further.

I don't have many friends, I admit it. But the few I have are loyal, and true, and I would give my life for any one of them. And vice versa. How many other cats can say the same? And how dare ThunderClan look down on me for it, when so many of their cats have been traitors?

Oh, I know, many think that I am a traitor as well, for helping Mudclaw. Tell me, what did I do that was so wrong? I only supported the cat I believed was StarClan's choice for leader. Would you not do the same?

And what of Crowfeather? Surely I cannot say he loves me. No, it is true, he does not.

But I do not love him. I am not the tortured, lovesick she-cat that everyone sees. I do not weep over Crowfeather: he is my friend, and I have never wanted anything more. Nor did I ever resent Leafpool. I want Crowfeather to be happy—he is my friend, after all—and I cannot think of a better mate for him than Leafpool. She is beautiful, and kind, and gentle, and that is what Crowfeather needs most.

Not that it didn't hurt, every time I saw him look at Leafpool with longing eyes, every time those same eyes clouded over with grief for Feathertail. Every time he looked wistfully over the ThunderClan border. And I could see the pain in Breezepelt's eyes as Crowfeather ignored him again and again. That is what hurt me most, watching Breezepelt be rejected time and time again by his own father, without even understanding the reason why. I could not bring myself to burden him with the truth. I knew it would only cause more pain, for all of us.

I knew we could be happy together, me and Crowfeather, if he would only put the past behind him and look at what he has now. But he didn't. He didn't look at Breezepelt, or me.

But all that changed.

Hollyleaf revealed a secret. The Clans were thrown into turmoil. And Crowfeather said something. He said, "You mean nothing to me, Leafpool. That moon has passed. My loyalty is only to WindClan, and I have no other kits but Breezepelt."

And although I knew he was lying, that he would always love Leafpool. I also knew that he had finally opened his eyes.

I knew there might be a chance.

So I'll keep hoping. I'll keep trying, and maybe someday I can be a different cat than the one everyone sees. Maybe someday we can both be happy with what we have. Maybe someday Crowfeather will turn away from the past and look to the future.

Maybe, someday.

A/N: Sooo...hope you liked it! Please review review review!! I am open to suggestions for pairings.


	3. One shining moment

I remember when I first saw him. It was a Gathering, my first Gathering. I watched the confident gray apprentice walk around the clearing, stopping to talk to different cats. He seemed so self-assured, so strong.

I could not pay attention to what the leaders were saying that night; try as I might, my eyes kept being drawn back to him. When he glanced my way, sensing that someone was watching him, I looked at the ground quickly hoping he had not seen me staring. As soon as he turned back to the listen to something that Tallstar was saying, however, I found myself looking at him again.

In the moons that followed, I tried not the think of the powerful, handsome gray cat that I had seen, tried not to think of his burning amber eyes. I didn't have much luck- I searched for him at every Gathering, volunteered for every patrol along the ThunderClan border. Every night before I went to sleep, his face haunted my thoughts. I would think about the glimpses I had caught of him; how gracefully he had leapt into the clearing at Fourtrees, how his eyes had caught mine for a fleeting moment.

So when he showed up at the border, I couldn't believe my luck.

And when he crashed through the ice and into the bitterly cold water, I had to do something. Without even thinking about it, I dove into the river after him, and dragged him to shore. He coughed up water, and slowly stood up, looking at me for the first time. I tired not to melt as his gaze traveled over me. He told me his name-Graystripe. I acted snappish and irritated, not knowing how else to conceal my emotions. But he asked my name.

He asked my name!

I could have leapt for joy, yowled my rapture to all of StarClan. But I didn't-just barely. I left and hid in the bushes, watching him leave.

And that was the beginning of the end.

Because he came back.

He came back, and asked to meet me again, and then again. And before long, my belly was heavy with his kits. Too soon, too soon came the day when the kits were born on a river of blood.

After that, I watched him from StarClan, day after day. I felt his joy with him as our kits grew up, his pride when he was made deputy. I mourned with him as Feathertail plummeted to the stone floor of the Cave of Rushing Water, when Stormfur left the Clans for Brook. I watched him in his dreams, I watched with mournful longing as he grieved for me.

But then he met Millie. He fell in love again. How could he do that? He promised we'd be together again in StarClan. I was so sad and angry. I still am. But the ache gets less and less every day, my wound is healing. I will never forget, though. I will never forget our time together, that brief moment when we were so happy together. Now he has all but forgotten me.

But we had one moment, one shining moment.


End file.
